


if the world is ending, let's stay up all night

by sunflowersilkscreen



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, pre-Cooperative Polygraphy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28867950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowersilkscreen/pseuds/sunflowersilkscreen
Summary: The night before Pierce's funeral, Troy voices his fears to Abed.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 17
Kudos: 91





	if the world is ending, let's stay up all night

“Hey, Abed, what’s the protocol for a Laser Lotus funeral ceremony? Do you think we wear black tomorrow, or are there other rules I don’t know about?”

Abed watches Troy rifle through his closet and examine a dark blazer. “Dunno,” he replies. “Maybe we should wait for further instructions from Pierce’s temple.”

Troy nods and sniffles, putting the blazer back before running his hands tiredly over his face. “This blows, man,” he mumbles, his voice shaky.

It pains Abed to see him like this: Troy, the empath of their group. Troy the Sensitive. Things hurt him so much more deeply than the rest of their friends. And Abed knows he is _so tired_ of watching people die around him -- first Pierce’s mom, then his uncle, then Pierce himself. Being friends with Pierce hadn’t exactly been a picnic, but Troy had been as close to him as he could be. Pierce had even taken him in as a roommate, Abed reminds himself bitterly, at a time when Abed had been too scared to take that risk. 

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Troy says, glancing at where Abed is sitting on his bed. “Is this how we all start falling apart? You know once a show loses a cast member it’s never as good.”

Abed makes a noise of sympathy, knocking his heel against the edge of the bed frame. He can’t deny it, not when he’d been the one to plant that idea in Troy’s mind in the first place.

“Everything’s changing,” Troy continues, slumping against the wall, “and I still don’t know who I’m supposed to be.” 

“I told you I’d help you figure that out,” Abed says quickly. “And I meant it. I promise.”

“Yeah, but what if you can’t help me?” Troy snaps. “What if I peaked as the air conditioning messiah and it’s all just downhill for me from now on? I mean, my best plan for the future was to wait until _you_ got rich and then _sue you._ Everything in my life still revolves around you!”

Abed doesn’t miss the shift in the conversation. “Is that a bad thing?” he asks softly.

“Yes!” Troy reacts without thinking, and then his eyes grow wide. “I mean, no!” He shakes his head. “I really don’t know anymore.”

He glances down at his hands, which are shaking just a little. He rubs them on his jeans, but Abed still notices. 

“Troy, why does it seem like you’re rehashing the same old insecurities we resolved after our pillow war?”

“Because it’s not about me being your lapdog anymore!” Troy yells. “It’s...it’s about life being really short, dude, and what if I’m throwing mine away, like everyone said? My parents, my coaches. I was supposed to be playing football in the NFL by now, or coaching at a college, and married to a cute cheerleader...”

“You know it’s okay if your dreams change,” Abed says carefully.

“Is it? What if I’m doing everything wrong? What if I wasted the best years of my life and now I have no hopes for the future, and I’ll never amount to anything, and my family is gonna disown me because...”

Abed doesn’t mean to flinch, but he does. “Troy, why would your family _disown you_ just because you don’t know what you want to do with your life?”

Troy drops his head into his hands, and his shoulders start to shake. He’s crying, Abed realizes with a start, and he jumps up to cross the room and stand in front of him. 

“Troy, what’s wrong? What is this about?” 

He puts a hand on Troy’s shoulder, and Troy moves in to the touch, stepping closer to Abed and glancing up until they meet, eye to eye, only inches apart. 

Abed tries to ignore the racing of his heart. “Is everything okay?” he breathes.

Troy looks terrified at the question, swallowing nervously and shaking his head again. “What if I do know what I want, but I’m not supposed to want it?”

Before Abed can ask what he means, Troy is closing the distance between them and surprising Abed with a soft but determined kiss.

Abed’s mind goes blank for approximately half a second when he feels Troy’s lips brush against his, and then he can’t help the way he falls forward into Troy’s arms. He knows it’s a bad idea, especially when Troy is sad and vulnerable like this, probably not in his right mind and likely to regret any hasty decisions. But Abed can’t help the way he backs Troy against the wall and pins him there with hot, insistent kisses. It’s like he’s been drowning, starving, dying of thirst, and Troy is...

Troy is everything he’s ever wanted. 

It’s always been true, and the desperation of the moment doesn’t diminish the fact that Abed has been dreaming of this for longer than he cares to admit. And he’s no fool. He knows the cliched anguish of the moment -- a decision made in the heat of passion -- is bound to spell out trouble for them both when the scene is over.

But how can he deny himself when Troy has a hand tangled in the back of Abed’s cardigan, pushing their bodies closer together until there’s no room for thought or doubt between them?

“Abed,” Troy pants suddenly as Abed pulls away to kiss his way down Troy’s throat, “maybe we shouldn’t...”

“We can stop,” Abed says quickly, squeezing his eyes shut tight and forcing himself away from the hot skin of Troy’s neck. “If you want. It’s okay.”

But Troy says nothing, just drags Abed toward the bed and pulls him on top of his own body, kissing him to silence him, and Abed lets himself be pulled under the dizzying current of pure emotion and desire flooding his veins.

+

When it’s over, they lay together in comfortable silence, or what Abed hopes is a comfortable silence. He’s comfortable, there’s no doubt about it, but Troy is so still and quiet that Abed is beginning to get worried. He inches his hand closer to where Troy’s rests on the comforter, close enough for Troy to brush their pinkies together if he so chooses. 

Instead, he says to Abed quietly, “We probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Heart pounding, Abed rolls onto his side just enough to see Troy’s profile through the dark. His jaw is clenching as he stares up at the ceiling and refuses to meet Abed’s eye.

“What do you mean?”

“I think that was a mistake.”

“I…” Abed shakes his head. “I don’t think it was a mistake. And I don’t think you really think that, either.”

“That’s not what friends do, Abed! Friends don’t…” He gestures vaguely between the two of them. “Friends don’t _do that,_ alright?”

“Troy,” Abed says sadly. He doesn’t try to fight. He’d known the risks when they started this. He can’t say he’s entirely surprised at the outcome. 

They never should have repiloted. Now Troy is floundering, convinced he needs to _find himself,_ whatever that means. As if he hadn’t already been the best out of all of them. All his careful progress over the years, his character growth, has vanished under the fear of inadequacy, mortality, a life unlived - or lived wrong. And Pierce is dead. And Abed has finally gotten everything he ever wanted, but it’s accompanied by a strange, sinking feeling that this is how he loses it all.

Now Troy is rubbing his hands over his face, voice muffled as he says, “God, can you imagine what Pierce would say if he knew what we did?”

“Pierce is dead, Troy. It doesn’t matter what he thinks.”

“But Shirley! She’s going to...oh, dude, what is _Britta_ going to say?”

Abed’s hand hovers just next to Troy’s side, aching to touch him and let him know everything can be okay if he’ll just let it, if he can just trust Abed. But Abed isn’t sure Troy is willing to do that. 

“What is Jeff going to think?” Troy whispers, and his voice cracks, and Abed doesn’t know how to save him from himself. 

When he finally lets his hand land on Troy’s stomach, it shocks him into motion, and he throws himself into Abed’s side. His arms circle Abed’s slim body and he hides his face against his chest as he begins to cry, terrified sobs rocking his body.

Abed grips Troy like a lifeline in a storm, smoothing one hand through his hair and trying to steady his own wild breathing. 

“It’s okay,” he tells Troy in a quiet voice. “We don’t have to do this again. We can just go back to being friends. Everything can go back to normal.”

He pretends it doesn’t hurt when Troy nods frantically against his chest. He pretends he doesn’t hear when Troy whispers “I love you, Abed,” just before drifting off to sleep. 

And the next day, when Troy says, “I’ll do it,” and agrees to sail alone around the world, Abed pretends he’ll be able to survive without him. 

“Cool cool cool,” he says as bravely as he can.

But the polygraph refuses to play along. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments or constructive criticism would make me smile if you're so inclined <3


End file.
